I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
