I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
