I cannot find my penis.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
