why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
