yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law