The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
