please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.