she woke up with a sticky ear
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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