Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
