It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
