I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
