my sisters under your porch take her home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My ass is underappreciated
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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