hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
