I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
