Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
