i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
