Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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