be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
