can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
