That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize