my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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