I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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