He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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