11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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