If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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