Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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