as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
