I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
