Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
