You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
