Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
