____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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