yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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