Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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