My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
