I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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