So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
