that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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