Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
