I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
