I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
