Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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