and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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