I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
