Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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