Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
