He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Randomize
