I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
