You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
