Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Green mimosas i think yes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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