I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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