What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
