i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
