I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
