dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
